It’s usually either before bed, during our shower, or on the car ride home — anywhere but the right time and place. Not anymore, folks. Not anymore. Following the success of the first article of good comebacks to file for a future time of need, we came to learn that the people want more. This is why we created this second part!
The Revolution Is Coming
Remember when we were teenagers and thought we had all the answers? Where did all that swagger and confidence go? Even the tiniest sparks of rebellion seem to disappear when we become adults. We grow up and realize nobody knows anything and that most adults are simply winging it.
This conversation makes us long for the days when challenging the status quo and starting a revolution were consistently on the daily agenda.
You’re One of a Kind
Don’t let anyone tell you you’re “weird.” You're just special and unique – like a limited edition, highly-prized pair of kicks. It’s a funny and light-hearted way to respond to someone who tries to insult you and is sure to get a few laughs.
There is the possibility that the other person might not get the joke — but that's their loss! It just goes to show they have no sense of humor, and nobody needs that kind of negativity.
Keeping Up With Kids
If only we had a dollar for every time our parents began a sentence with "when I was your age." Although we love their stories, it’s obvious that some tales are a tad exaggerated.
We know life was tougher then. Still, it’s sometimes better to take their stories with a grain of salt. Instead of dismissing the story, this kid pokes fun at how his dad must have lived in prehistoric times.
The Face Has Some Catching Up to Do
This comeback is an excellent example of how to deal with uncomfortable questions you would rather not answer. Instead of disingenuously denying that her husband is losing his hair, the wife turns the tables and suggests that he's gaining more face.
It's a hilarious way to both acknowledge and dismiss her husband's concerns about his appearance. Plus, it's just plain funny to imagine someone gaining more face instead of losing their hair!
Go On and Take a Bow
We love this story about Jimmy Carr, and the comedian in question was the late Sean Lock. Lock was doing one of his shows and presumably noticed Carr laughing uncontrollably in the audience, and that’s when he took a playful jab at his friend.
It’s a testament both to Lock’s wit and Carr’s ability to take a joke, even when it's at his expense. In an interview, he described it as the best insult he had ever heard.
How Does This Information Help Us?
Self-righteous people are like extra-hot chili peppers — they're small but pack a fiery punch. They strut around, convinced they're the only ones who know what's right and wrong. Their way is the only way. But let's be real. There's something amusing about them.
It's like they're trying so hard to be virtuous that they've forgotten how to be human. Good job, you've officially become a walking, talking moral compass. Now go have some fun!
Little Big Shot
Kids who talk like adults are both hilarious and unnerving at the same time. There’s something weirdly unsettling about a tiny human using words like "cooperate" in everyday conversation. It’s impressive but slightly terrifying.
Who knows what these intelligent kids will get up to as adults? World domination? Brilliant mastermind? At the very least, these kids usually grow up to be that one friend who always brings up obscure references and uses big words.
Tick Tock...
We feel for this child. 3 pm for kids is the equivalent of 5 pm for adults. That’s when the clock strikes, and you can officially become human. It’s as if our internal clocks sync with those on the walls. We go through the motions all day, waiting for that exact moment to decompress and let loose.
When you come to think of it, nothing really changes, even though we transition from classrooms to office conference rooms. It's tragic, but it's true.
The Science Behind Good Comebacks
It’s not the smartest or most scientifically accurate insult. Still, we applaud the snappy comeback and quick thinking. This moment has the potential to become a core memory for high schoolers. Intelligence is a complex construct. You’re probably the smartest person in the room, but what really helps is reading the room instead.
Nobody in high school wants to know whether the joke was factual. What matters is who got the better of the exchange. In this case, "More than you!" is plenty sufficient.
Sounds Like a Fair Trade to Us
The idea of leading the X-men trumps everything, even though this was supposed to be an insult. At least something worthwhile could come out of a back injury! The ones we’re familiar with have us writhing painfully and transforming into whiny creatures — forget powerful mutants.
We know many people would willingly surrender their mobility to become Professor X, the world’s most powerful mutant who runs a school for mutant children. Let’s not forget that he can also read and control people’s minds.
A Welcome Surprise
Parenting. Some days, you love your kids so much that your heart can’t take it. On other days? Well, you just can’t take it anymore. We’ve heard the old joke about birth certificates being an apology from the rubber factory. This one is specific.
It’s great that the men in this family have open discussions about uncomfortable topics. Still, we’re almost 100% sure that Dad didn’t see it coming, and we're curious to know how this exchange ended.
Can You Not Tell the Difference?
Nurses are unsung heroes. They work long hours to provide the care and support we need to recover and heal. Nurses are the first point of contact for patients and their families, which is why they often deal with difficult situations like the one above.
The average person might laugh or be tempted to yell. Nurses keep their cool and create a safe environment, even when conversations can get surreal.
She Left Her Heart in San Diego
The patient sounds genuinely confused, but the humor is on point, whether she intended it that way or not. We can only wonder why San Diego was the first thing that came to her mind while discussing pain.
Maybe she was sick of the beaches and the daily grind. She might have been working through difficult memories too. Some cities can truly become painful, physically and emotionally seeping into your being over time.
She’s a Low-Maintenance Gal
Spouses who find humor in any situation are relationship goals. The playful sense of humor and wit displayed while bantering tells us this couple is a good match. They don’t have a chip on their shoulder or take things too seriously.
They find joy and amusement in each other’s company. Not all couples function the same way, but as long as both parties are respectful, some light ribbing goes a long way in relationships.
A Joke of Mathematical Proportions
We can imagine how this insult would have stung when the person first said it. It sounds like both parties have moved on enough for the person on the receiving end to now admire the insult. Some barbs do seem brilliant in retrospect after one has had time to recover.
Most people would have said "fat," which, honestly, is uninspired. This person must have just come out of a geometry class. "Spherical" elevates things to new dimensions.
What’s His Skincare Routine?
Combined with the accent, insults in Scottish can really hit the spot. "Yer da sells Avon" implies someone's father engages in a typically feminine activity, such as selling Avon cosmetics. For the unversed, Avon is a company that sells beauty products for women.
This insult is a dig at someone's masculinity, suggesting they come from a family that is not traditionally "tough." We don’t know about others, but a "da" who sells Avon sounds delightful! Where do we find one?
Do You Hear What I Hear?
If people have tuned you out and stopped listening, it’s time to stop talking. It’s apparently obvious to everyone except the person rambling that he was being obnoxious.
Here’s an idea. Since you’re so busy talking to yourself, why don’t you listen to yourself speak as well? You might be able to hear what everyone else is hearing. Then take a step back, reflect on how you are coming across to others, and stop talking.
That’s Genius. Period.
A dig at poor writing skills and a lack of focus? We are totally on board because who doesn’t love a double whammy? The phrase "failing to put your dots" can refer to terrible writing and communication. Maybe someone forgets to punctuate or dot their Is and cross their Ts.
It’s also likely a metaphorical saying, suggesting someone’s inability to stay on track. In short, this person might be a little flaky and always missing the point.
Guess Who’s the Smart One in This Family?
This funny story is a testament to the power of a comeback. The argument seems to have escalated to the point where the mother felt insulted and frustrated.
But the kid's clever response, "No, I do think you have a brain between you," cleverly plays on the mother's words, acknowledging that both parents have a brain — just the one — while also diffusing tension with humor. The tactic isn’t foolproof, we admit, but this story thankfully had a happy ending.
Stupid Is as Stupid Does
Okay. We admit this might not be House M.D. or Chandler Bing-level sarcasm, but it works, right? Countering insults to one’s appearance with a swift attack on their intelligence is simple but inspired. We love how effortlessly the jibe boomerangs.
Any day, looking stupid is better than being stupid. Being stupid can get you entangled in juvenile arguments that backfire, much like this one. It’s high time we retire jokes about people’s appearance anyway.
Who Are You, Again?
It’s been a while since we came across an allusion to Ayn Rand's novel "The Fountainhead." Ellsworth Toohey is a character who uses his power to manipulate public opinion and attack individualism.
Howard Roark, the protagonist, embodies individualism. In these lines, Roark outright rejects Toohey’s attempt to gain his approval. He has no opinion of him because he doesn’t think of him. Refusing to acknowledge someone’s existence is the best burn.
Are They Loud, or Are We Just Hard of Hearing?
Does anyone remember the days when going to the theater was fun? It seems like all we do these days is shush people and ask them to keep it down.
We’re trying to watch a movie and maybe enjoy the previews, too, not audition for a part in a noisy scene. Still, well played, young ones! Touché! You had your fun, maybe a little too much, and also had the last laugh.
Sincerely, Go Away
You didn’t think we could get through this list without discovering an inbreeding joke, did you? This is a common barb that implies a person is so messed up because their parents might be brother and sister.
Although extensively used, it’s the kind of joke that can stick – especially when you’re young and highly impressionable. People who say things like this make us realize the value of discarding relationships that don’t work. No, thank you, and bye!
Relationship Goals
Humor makes tough situations better. Here we have an inspiring mother-child duo who settled an annoying argument with humor. Do people like this really exist? If only we could use humor as a conflict management and coping tool more often.
Things tend to get way too intense when family is concerned. Jokes can quickly turn into cold wars. Jibes can open Pandora’s box of past trauma. This mother-son moment makes us hopeful that everyone can feel heard, understood, and laugh together.
Do You Know What You Did, Julio?
People can talk about self-care and body positivity all day long, but when you’re a certain age in school, the spiel never works. Jokes said by peers, however, even in passing? Those things stay with you forever!
Julio had his fifteen minutes. He has no clue that this person has probably re-lived this moment for years. On the bright side, it sounds as if the person in question has moved on from the horrendous memory.
Make Room for the Men in Black
This one seems to be from an installment of "Men in Black,” where a policeman implies that he is more manly than Will Smith. Smith responds with a play of words, saying he is literally half the policeman's size.
Ok, is it just us, or did this not age well? The more we deep-dive into it, the more problems we see. Movies and television shows a few decades ago were different beasts.
Absolute Smackdown!
It's not cool to bring down other people’s happiness, and so this girl had it coming. We could all do with friends who aren’t afraid to stand up for us. Nobody can deny that the joke was absolute gold. Some people might say it was a fitting response to a rude comment.
It’s equally important to consider the context. We think the response to the comment sounded more personal and vicious. Although the comeback was clever, it was probably not this person’s finest hour.
Witty or Tacky?
This joke plays on the idea that an ex is best forgotten, but the punchline "even when you're with her" implies that being with her was not worth remembering either. Humor is subjective, and what one person finds funny, another might not.
Jokes about exes can be especially tricky. They might trigger unresolved feelings or make others uncomfortable. It might be a good idea to be discerning with your audience for this one.
XOXO
This comeback could be straight out of an episode of "Gossip Girl," and we don’t know how to feel about that. Is anyone else vividly imagining a bunch of mean girls at a fancy party? They’re dressed to the nines, air-kissing, hugging furtively, and dishing out condescending "compliments."
Parties with intrigue, betrayal, and subtle territory wars waged on mobile phones. Things are never what they seem on the Upper East Side, especially when someone takes an unusual interest in you.
Yes, Why Are You Obsessed With Her Boyfriend?
Nothing will make an “alpha male” bolt faster than publicly insinuating he might be gay. It’s too much for his fragile masculinity to bear. The last thing she needed was an obnoxious weirdo crossing the line and refusing to take no for an answer.
Her quick thinking saved the day and a potentially hostile situation. She got the better of that exchange even after he repeatedly violated her boundaries.
Some Classic Humor
They don’t call "Casablanca" classic cinema for nothing. One of the things that make the film so memorable is its witty, dry dialogue. Here, Ugarte (played by Peter Lorre) is blatantly seeking Blaine’s (Humphrey Bogart) sympathy. Not today, Ugarte.
You don’t even cross Blaine’s mind. His curt dismissal says everything. He has no patience for people who may try to manipulate him. Blaine simply does not care about him enough to despise him.
That’s One Way to Establish Dominance
We love how clever and unexpected the girl's response was to all the insults. Not many people can stand up for themselves calmly and with a straight face. Her sarcasm not only defused the situation and turned the tables, but she also made it clear that the student’s behavior was inappropriate.
Still, we have to wonder what the teacher was doing all this time. Enjoying the show? That seems inappropriate too.
Nobody Wants What He’s Having
She’s having a good time with friends and isn’t interested in ordering anything off the menu, thanks very much! The girl’s comeback is clever and uses a playful restaurant analogy to stop bad behavior. Can we also take a moment to appreciate how calm she is?
She asserts boundaries without being aggressive or confrontational, although we wouldn’t blame her for wanting to punch the living daylights out of the guy.
Let’s Not Test This Theory Further
Massive props to the sarcasm and wit in this classic Victorian exchange. The villain twists the heroine's words against her, making her look even more naïve and gullible than when she first began speaking.
She isn’t capable of being as dumb as she appears. In his mind, the villain has already set the bar for stupidity very high. Whether she meets it or not, she loses face either way.
Oh, Dear! What a Pickle
Have you ever been stumped by the things people say? The sheer absurdity sometimes makes it hard to believe anyone could be that "stupid." The behavior seems so over-the-top that it couldn’t possibly be real, right? These two individuals seem to be bantering in good humor.
Yet, intelligence is often subjective, even though certain people tend to claim ownership of it. What appears smart to some can seem remarkably dim-witted to others.
How My Grandparents Met
We love a great "how my grandparents met" story and this one’s hilarious. Grandpa’s idea of flirting as a young man is pretty accurate. If you don’t know what to say to her, tease her.
From boys pulling girls’ pigtails to men giving the women they like a hard time, the game plan is similar across age groups. It’s a gamble and not always effective, but he met his match in this case.
An Unfortunate Choice of Words
Cussing aims to unsettle, especially when arguments are thin, tempers run high, and rational thought goes out the window. Until now, it has rarely worked in anyone's favor. Talk about putting words in people’s mouths — this was an unfortunate turn of phrase that boomeranged spectacularly on the mother.
We hope Mother and Son had a good laugh about it afterward, but needless to say, this one will sting for a very long time.
Hire Him This Instant!
Protect this man at all costs! Anyone who can be this relaxed while applying for jobs is a keeper in our books. Also, where can we sign up for lessons in confidence? Let’s hope the employer had a great sense of humor and hired the man immediately.
This one has great potential. By Odin, he sounds like he could easily lift Thor’s hammer if given the chance. Is Asgard listening?
Do Not Disturb
We envy people who can fall asleep the moment their heads hit the pillow. They’re tired. They can’t help it. Churchill, on the other hand, willed himself to sleep. That's an awesome superpower to have! Aren't all of us longing for a mute button on certain people and situations?
The British prime minister took it a few steps further, activating sleep mode should the need arise. Mr. Churchill has left the chat and the building.
It's Not Meant to Be
Get your yarn ready and sharpen those knitting needles! It seems like this person will need to buckle down and knit at a feverish pace. Come to think of it, knitting can be ominous and far from therapeutic. How oddly similar to the Fates in Greek mythology!
For the uninitiated, the Fates, or Moirai, were a trio of goddesses that wove the destinies to mortals and decided when their time was up and the thread was snipped.
There’s Something on Your Face
Looking for jibes that cut to the bone? Why not fall back on a tried-and-tested formula that has worked for millennia? Dig deep and attack a man’s perceived masculinity. Jokes about the nether regions and facial hair always work.
Growing a beard has long been associated with high testosterone levels, even though the ability to grow one comes down to genetics and other factors. That’s never stopped the proverbial "facial hair" jokes.
Not All Moments Need a Comment
No kidding, Sherlock. The quiet was nice until you ruined everything. Where does our overwhelming need to say something, anything, come from? It’s likely some sort of residual trauma from social media, where things cease to exist without emoji validation.
Then there is also the paralyzing fear of sitting with the voices in our heads. It's time to normalize comfortable silences — to create a world where genuine, quiet appreciation can exist.
Mortality Vs. Inexperience
Ageist jokes are everywhere. Check the comment section on any post, where arguments typically boil down to "Ok Boomer," canceling skinny jeans, or typing in lowercase only because who cares about language rules? Complex stuff. But generational warfare at workplaces has followed a similar template since the dawn of time.
The older guys typically lord their seniority over the younger ones. The younger lot have no qualms reminding people about their mortality. It's simple but effective.
“You Are!”
All of us dream of delivering the perfect comeback. The only problem is that devastating comebacks rarely come to us at the right moment. They might arrive several days, months, or even years later while seething and mulling over an annoying person. "That’s what I should have said!" Here’s an idea.
The next time someone calls you names, just say, "No, you are!" Silence will ensue. Simplicity is key, and sometimes it’s not that deep if you can just have the last word.
When the Student Becomes the Teacher
Some teachers have no business teaching. The sooner students weed out toxic professors, the better it is for their well-being. It’s good to know the difference between a professor who has it out for you and one who is just having a bad day.
This student is way ahead of the curve in that respect, dropping both the mic and the class! Did she receive a standing ovation while storming out of the classroom? One can hope.
Don’t Be Suspicious, Don’t Be Suspicious!
That’s rich coming from a police officer whose entire career and identity are based on (you guessed it) suspicion. We understand reasonable suspicion backed up by facts. What does "looking suspicious" even mean?
Do I look like Sherlock Holmes on a fascinating case? Is a creepy thought bubble following me around? Maybe it’s just my face. Have you ever considered the possibility that it's just my face? The last time we checked, looking suspicious isn’t a crime.
Double the Trouble
Breasts are a source of universal shame, whether you’re a man or a woman. Women are embarrassed about having big or small breasts. Many men are embarrassed by man boobs, affectionately called moobs in the community.
The safest bet is to never joke about them unless the person concerned brings it up themselves. That way, it’s fun and light for everyone involved. But this? As a woman (therefore, intimately aware of body shaming), she should’ve known better.
You Can’t Learn This Stuff
"Stupid" is harsh, but we understand the sentiment. Intelligent people have inspiring conversations that bring a sparkle to the eye. While it’s normal to be floored by smart people, one can’t help but marvel at stupidity levels sometimes.
Incompetence is inherent. Some might even call it an art form. You’re either born with it or not. Try as you might, this is stuff you can’t learn or make up as you go.
What an Epic Disaster!
Take a bow because that was effortless! The best comebacks are effective without brazen insults, and this hits all the right spots. But it got us thinking about how even after millions of years of evolution, women and men still don’t know how to interact with each other!
"Heeeeyy ladies!" is too obvious an attempt at flirting. Apparently, that was enough to scare the bejeezus out of a girl who definitely misread the situation, probably because of what the boys looked like.
Excuse You? Nope.
People who say "excuse me" rudely are the worst — a classic case of how important tone can be in a conversation. "Excuse me," said politely, is never offensive. But if you say the same words with a sneer, it changes everything. Just so you know, nobody gets a free pass for rude behavior just because they use the right words.
Be polite if you are trying to be that person. Now, if you’re in an obnoxious mood, commit to the moment instead of skirting around it. Decide who you want to be. We dare you.
They Got an Upgrade
The dude is clearly not over his ex or has other issues preventing him from being a decent human being. In case he didn’t know, "new" is overrated. Most people we know only get better with time, much like fine wine and vintage anything!
We’re happy for the married couple. They each got a life upgrade. As for the other guy, he sounds like he might have peaked in high school.
How to School a Know-It-All
Bored kids. Disinterested kids. Kids whose futures depend on you, but they’re not yours. There’s a reason they say teaching is the hardest job in the world. Of all the troublemakers one could encounter in a classroom, the know-it-all student can be the most terrifying.
Teachers even have numerous online forums dedicated to the subject. This teacher’s strategy is simple and effective: use devastating comebacks to smart-ass comments. If you can’t beat them, join them. In fact, play the game better.
That’s the Last Straw
Have you ever noticed that body-shaming jokes usually come from people who are closest to us? We ignore them and brush them off. After all, what's a little body shaming between best friends?
It’s all fun and games until it isn’t anymore, which is likely the case with these two friends. The good sport has clearly had it. Even close friends need a reminder about boundaries every now and then.
We Regret to Inform You…
Move over "yo mama" jokes. Fat and skinny jokes, please step aside. Do you want to kick people where it really hurts? Go back to the beginning. Take their origin story and shred it into pieces.
This one above is golden and opens up room for several more. Some people are the reason the pill exists, for instance. Was that a birth certificate or a crime scene report? The possibilities with this one are endless!
Tough Love
How does one respond to a dementia patient's brutal honesty? You don’t. You can’t argue or win against someone’s truth, especially when there isn’t an iota of malice involved. What one can do, perhaps, is take away lessons in conflict management.
The next time someone gets on your nerves, just tell them how lovely and round they are. That ought to stop anyone in their tracks before they proceed to die a little inside.
A Confusing State of Affairs
Anybody who has felt disoriented knows how bizarre things around you can seem. It's very typical to act erratic or say crazy things when this happens. This person (bless his heart) manages to sound both logical and hilarious while trying to make sense of his surroundings.
He’s not wrong. She did ask him what “type” of building they were in. He’s just giving her a specific answer to a specific question.
Because Men Are Catty Too
We’re so conditioned to think only women display cattiness. Take a look at these fine gentlemen, will you? Some might say they’re bickering, bantering, or even sparring. Come on! We call it as we see it.
How great is it that the second man stands up for his woman, presumably the first guy’s ex-wife? The joke’s on the ex-husband, although his poor kids ended up as collateral damage by association.
If Only We Could Be a Fly on the Wall During This Interaction
The lady in question is Nancy Astor, who was the first female member of the British Parliament. The two famously did not get along. The most famous verbal exchange between Churchill and Astor took place when she visited Blenheim, and Churchill happened to be present at the same time.
Per usual, the two came to verbal blows, and Astor finally said she’d poison his tea if Churchill was her husband. The rest is history.
Where Are Your Priorities, People?
Fans love Bill Burr for his uncensored takes on a variety of subjects — among them, male feminists, robots, and why he thought Stephen Hawking’s demise was a good thing!
When a morning show host attempted to humiliate him for his views on the Catholic Church’s atrocities, Burr was having none of it. She called his views disrespectful. He did the world a favor and didn’t hold back. Bill Burr at his best.
You Can’t Help Genetics
Winston Churchill is credited with seeing Britain through the horrifying years of WWII. But the legendary prime minister and war leader is also famous for two other things: his turbulent relationship with alcohol and a wicked sense of humor.
Churchill dropped this particular bomb when someone in the House of Commons commented that he was disgustingly drunk. Not one to take things lying down, Churchill fired back with an insult. Inebriation never dulled his wits, even though it might have taken a toll on his body.
Meanwhile, in a Parallel Universe
After all, the balance in the universe must be maintained! We're surprised John Oliver didn't see this coming from a mile away. Stephen Hawking believed that life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
It’s not surprising that apart from his brilliant mind, he was also known for his savage sense of humor, which is on full display here—a glorious comeback if there ever was one. You know you’ve won the war when you leave the likes of John Oliver stumped!
Cue Wailing Animal Sounds
Taking down a mean girl is always satisfying, and this one sounds like a piece of work. Good on this friend for her quick thinking. Still, equating bi@chy girls with animals isn’t fair to animals.
Animals don’t have a mean bone in their bodies, whereas humans indulge in the most pointless, petty turf wars. Animals would settle it with a swift bite to the jugular, which is so much better, in our view!
When Travelling to Straya
We doff our hats to you for this double whammy! Not only is the joke excellent, but this person deserves a medal of valor too! To throw shade at Australia and reaffirm terrible stereotypes about the country is one thing.
However, roasting your partner’s family (the father, no less!) takes a special kind of bravery or foolishness, depending on how you look at it. We’re dying to know how this trip turned out eventually.
How the Tables Have Turned
It’s not enough that they tried to pull a stupid prank and failed. No. The girl decides to give the person hell for feeling mad and confronting their own stupidity. People who give but can’t take are the worst kind of people.
While this comeback sounds harsh, she deserves to be taken down a peg or three. The joke’s on her, and rightly so. What we would have given to see her face then!
The Perks of Being Adopted
This is what happens when sibling rivalry reaches level 100, and there’s seemingly no coming back. We understand the ensuing silence. How does one respond to this savagery? They say family isn’t always blood. We always assumed they meant friends.
This has us questioning everything we thought we knew. Family is everything, but it can seem like we’re stuck with each other, whether we like it or not. "The family you choose" takes on a whole new meaning here.
Surprise, Surprise!
What is it about mom jokes and their universal appeal? While it’s obviously wrong to disparage someone's mother, the joke is so ridiculous that it’s hard to take real offense. That’s one possible explanation. The other is that we’re all just 13-year-olds on the inside.
"Your mother" is the quickest way to end an argument, whether you’re in middle school or way past it. It’s juvenile, but any person’s best defense. The key is to know your audience.
Burning Love
Although we love a sassy takedown, people who can shade you ever so sweetly are the true OGs. When the guy said "dirty talk," he probably didn't have this in mind. He had it coming, however.
That’s what you get for making short jokes at your wife’s expense, and during cuddle time — just terrible timing! If there’s one thing we know about people who are short, you don’t mess with them. Ever.
Punctuated With Humor
Admit it. We’ve all been guilty of this at some point. When there’s no winning a heated argument online, focus on the tiniest language mistakes. We’ve heard of grammar and spelling corrections. Punctuation jibes are bold, however. This one’s clever — a joke both grammar enthusiasts and others can appreciate.
Some might say that fixating on grammar is petty, and maybe it is. But isn't it a smidge better than gross insults about your respective mothers?
Mean Girl on a Mission
The savagery is through the roof here! Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a mean adolescent girl as if the myriad of changes to your body weren’t bad enough. Bras. You're damned if you wear them and damned if you don't.
Girls face vicious teasing if they do wear a bra by a certain age, or they lose face if they don't. It never gets easier. The growing pains are terrible in school, where girls can be each other’s worst enemies.
The Friend We All Need
Everyone needs a friend like this when they’re young. It only takes one person having your back to make school a fun experience. We're not exaggerating when we say it can be the difference between being miserable throughout your school years or finally feeling seen, even for a brief moment.
Granted, it’s not the most poetic comeback, but who cares at that age? Any comeback that starts with "your face" is always effective.
How to Play Mind Games
Cat fights are a thing of the past, decidedly vulgar and demeaning. Icy territorial wars are infinitely more satisfying, don’t you think? This one is a masterclass in one-upmanship and a subtle war of the wits.
No dissing, hair pulling, or physically pushing the other woman aside. All she did was pause ever so slightly between "you" and "once." Cue ominous music as knives and fire rain down from the sky.
The Joke’s on Dad, but Is It?
Few things in life are more valuable than openly teasing dads. It takes years of trust-building and comfort to have an exchange of this sort. Whether the nurses were looking at his face or not is debatable, of course.
Doesn’t dad emerge a winner either way? He’s clearly looking good everywhere, not just on his face. We love this light roast, but the dad emerges a winner in spite of it.
Kids Are Savage
People crack fat and thin jokes all the time. Isn’t it time we stopped? Skinny people know they’re skinny. Overweight folks are painfully aware of this too. In fact, it’s probably consuming their thoughts all the time, and someone pointing it out is never funny.
This dude was obviously deflecting, probably glad that he doesn’t get to be the butt of the joke for once. Needless to say, it backfired — and it came from the mouth of a spunky 10-year-old!
When You Can Finally Joke About It
The context: following her breakup with Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez appeared on the "Late Show with David Letterman." The last time Bieber was on the show, Letterman said something that made him cry. But Gomez seemed to be doing great—so great that she could joke about her ex on television.
Selena Gomez is a queen. Whether it’s her success, vulnerability, or girl-next-door quality, Gomez wins hearts everywhere. Plus, our girl has got a good sense of humor.
The Art of the Back-Handed Compliment
Homer Simpson is a slob who takes to the bottle too early in the day. But the man is self-aware; we’ll give him that! The statement technically isn’t a comeback, and Lumpkin originally meant it as a compliment in the show.
Still, this one is gold and should be in everyone's arsenal. The next time someone insufferable comes along, you’ll have a devastating insult locked, loaded, and ready to go!
Kids Say the Darndest Things
Does anyone else miss the confidence, wonder, and idealism of youth? We could listen to kids speak all day. They’re always full of awe and unknowingly drop savage truth bombs such as this one. If Santa doesn’t come bearing gifts, it could be something we did.
Presents, or lack thereof, reflect whether people have been naughty or nice all year. Did we communicate our needs to Santa? Were we specific about our needs? Did we make Santa mad? Food for thought.
They Have a Point
Who’s to say what "arguing" even means? There’s a thin line between arguments and explanations. If the child isn’t being combative, it’s not an argument. The wisdom that comes from the mouths of babies is sometimes astounding.
Most adult interactions would turn out better if only we could stop for a moment and tell the difference. There’s no reason that a conversation where both parties want to be heard needs to become a full-blown argument.
The Doctor Won’t See You Now, or Ever
Yes, please define "trophy." It reminds us of people who say they’re presidents at their companies. President of what, exactly? We love friends who don’t mince words and this comeback stings like a jellyfish.
That’s one way to tell a conceited friend that she’s probably not the catch she thinks she is. This trophy could do with a little touching up and a big reality check. Massive ups to friends who wake up and boldly choose savagery.
Something’s Burning and It Isn’t Cupcakes
There are few things that cut to the bone faster than a roast from Mom. Something tells us this mom has been biding her time patiently before unleashing icy hell. The clue is in the speed and ease of that comeback. She’s been here many times before.
Son, you don’t bite the hand that bakes cupcakes! Did nobody teach you this? The icing on the cupcake, however, is "my husband at the time." Honestly, after this, we saw it coming too.
Gramp’s a Champ
There’s always someone in a crowd who speaks without thinking. The person who can’t help but say something, anything — no matter how vile, stupid, or ill-informed. Here’s a thought. Maybe pause, breathe, and ask questions first before spewing hate.
You know what they say about appearances being deceptive or making wild assumptions about people’s stories? This woman had it coming. Good on you, grandpa, for standing up for yourself!